Breaking Free From the Spirit of Perversion
It was at one of three moments of which I knew that I was introduced to the Spirit of Perversion. The first of such moments being in Mrs. Elkins third grade class. Even today (myself being a woman in her early 30’s) I can remember that time so vividly.
In class we were reading from our Accelerated Reader volumes (which were a popular series of reading aids in the early 90’s) and I remember selecting a story so aptly entitled, “Pandora’s Box”. The story was based on the age-old myth of Pandora, and her disobedient curiosity that led her to open the forbidden box, therefore opening the world to all things evil and destructive. The way that the illustrator chose to depict this well-known icon would be insightfully indicative and symbolic of my own box of revelations, and forbidden curiosities, that had just been opened to me on that very day.
Pandora’s character was drawn in the most robustly feminine sort of way; with protruding breasts, a small midsection, and her body ending with a healthy, weighted bottom that explicitly seemed to scream of sex within the sketch lines. Or, perhaps at least it “screamed” sex to me. As a third grader the concept of sex and sexuality was still unclear and un-introduced to me, however I knew that I felt an attraction to this character’s image that made me feel differently than an image of any man who I had seen whose physical attributes were also exaggeratedly illustrated. I remember a desire to take the illustration home with me, as somewhat of a possession, that I could look upon at my leisure.
However with that notion being completed unrealistic considering my teacher’s keen eyesight and sharp memory, I simply could not “get away” with such a feat.
This inspired me to view more images of women in an enhanced, exaggerated state in artistic mediums in which their body features would be prominent and on display. Although, I can’t be too certain which came first, my love of looking at the lingerie section in the old JC Penney Big Book Catalogs that would arrive at our doorstep with each season, or the enchantment of “Pandora” that captivated my mind and drove a new desire within me.
I also discovered my clitoris, at this life stage. I knew that when I rubbed it against my mattress while lying on my stomach, as well as when I rubbed it against the floor, it created a pleasurable sensation within me that rose with each round of pressure that I placed on it.
I loved keeping pictures of women in their bare state. Some pictures were more vulnerable than others. I even remember stealing a picture out of a Men’s Fitness Magazine from our local grocery store, as I knew my mother would not purchase the magazine for me; at least not a magazine of this nature.
I then graduated to watching HBO midnight specials about love and sex, and eventually my curious insight led me to my father’s sock drawer, where I discovered a videotape entitled, “Champagne for Breakfast”, which was an old school porno set in the 1970’s , or maybe the 80’s. It would be considered vintage today, and I remember fast forwarding through the entire tape until I found a scene with a women who had large, perky breast and was clean-shaven in her intimate parts.
With the rise of the internet, and the speed of ‘dial up’, I discovered Playboy for the first time. Since the internet at those times abided by an honor system, and parental locks didn’t exist, it was easy for me to find pictures of women with the body style I prefered with just the right level of nudity that kept my interest.
I remember printing the images, as I loved to masturbate to them, and I remember later getting caught with pictures on our family printer; pictures that had waited until I had shut the computer down to print. In those days it was almost impossible to stop a ‘’print job” within a given window of time.
The first time I felt lust for a woman, outside of the pages of magazines and screen of my bedroom television, was in my High School Honors History Class where I sat across from a girl named Megan. She had blonde hair and large breast. That’s all I can really remember about her. I didn’t have a crush on her, I just loved to look at her. Perhaps more than I realized.
One day she called me out for staring at her, as my “stares” seemed to be trying her patience. I pretended to ignore her, and walked away. I didn’t stare at her from that day forward.
With the exception of the previously mentioned Pandora awakening, collecting “nudie” pics and starting at Megan are not considered suspicious “moments”. For some strange reason, these were things that simply validated my suspicion much later in life, however at the time of their occurrence I didn’t think any of these actions to be odd.
The second moment was when a school friend of mine named Candace, kissed me. She had beautiful dark brown-reddish hair, a cute face, and a figure more reminiscent of the women in the JC Penney magazines I viewed as a young girl; however Candace had the exception of being petite in stature. I was 16 now and in High School. We were hanging out after school waiting for our parents to arrive. I’m not quite sure what the content of our conversation was nor can I remember the weather on that day. All I know is that when she approached me and sporadically kissed me on the mouth, everything became hazy and oddly reminiscent of the Pandora box feeling. This time, Pandora seemed to reach from the pages of that story and touch my physical being in a different way. Although the kiss lasted no more than 2 seconds, I assure you that I felt every part of her lips in every inward place within my soul & body.
This kissing continued for about three weeks. I would approach her hoping that she would find it in her heart to grace my lips once again. I never asked her directly, she always just seemed to know exactly what I wanted. Sometimes I would have to engage in more conversation with her to achieve my goal, and other times she wouldn’t make me wait it out. Some days I wouldn’t get a kiss at all. Her kiss was such an inspiration to me that I began writing poems about it.
With my father recently being diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s disease earlier that year, Candace’s kisses provided an excitable feeling when going to school; a longing feeling.
Months had passed with no kiss. On the last day of school during my Senior year, she gave me one final kiss a few seconds before the bell rang. This event inspired me to continue my curiosities into my adult life.
I tried so desperately to be “gay” in college, and do “gay” things by surrounding myself with “gay” culture. However I always seemed to end up with a boyfriend in the end, not by enjoyment or desire, but because it was much easier and socially acceptable. There seemed to be no reason to do any uncomfortable explaining to people when you are coloring inside the lines.
The third and final moment, that solidified my suspicions, (not sure there was even anything to be suspicious about at this point), was when I rested my head on the chest on my crush when I was 29 years old. Tynesha was a beloved friend, and a member of my church. We had become friends through shared ministry interest. She wasn’t gay and we hung out together on occasion. However, it did put such a strain on my emotions trying to have a sustainable friendship with her.
I didn’t show up to support her at one of her many speaking events, and I remember sitting on a couch together asking for her forgiveness. She, being the evangelist she is, had already forgiven me, but still felt some anger and resentment towards my actions. As I looked at her slim, athletic figure next to me, I leaned over and put my head on her chest, and whispered a final, “I’m sorry.”
As my head cleaved to her chest I felt such deep appreciation and peace, and I remember the immediate regret that I felt when my head lifted and I returned to my side of the couch. This instant confirmed my ability and desire to fall in love with this woman, to hold her forever-and simply not let go.
The reader should know that I understand. I get it. Completely. It’s okay to always believe in hope and happiness and the likelihood that they can happen simultaneously to anyone-including you.
I have struggled with my faith in the past, but I would advise you not to throw it away for you will need it in the future. Depression can be defeated, no matter how dark the corners of your mind may seem. In the pattern of my life I have noticed that it is when I feel these dark moments, that seem to cause me to sink in spirit, that something supernaturally wonderful happens soon after and the darkness then seems 1000 miles away again.
You can break free from the Spirit of Perversion. As I submitted under the “right” Pastoral Leadership and Church Family, I was able to learn about Generational Curses, Proclivities, and Open Doors that the enemy uses to tempt, torment, and harass people into lifestyles, habits, and mindsets that do not honor God, reflect His Word, nor grow us into reaching our final destined place in God-on earth and in heaven.
You need a personal prayer life, the accountability of a church body, and a separation from negative spiritual weights (people, places, things, and behaviors), that do not help you move higher toward the things of God.
You should also do a Self-Evaluation to determine the “root” of your perversion. For me, it was a Generational Curse (I have other members of my extended family battling “perversion”) that I allowed to enter into my life through my proclivities (sinful tendencies), and my iniquity (sinful behaviors). I was already vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy in this area through my bloodline, but I created an “Open Door” by reinforcing this curse through my desires, actions, and behaviors.
For you the “root” may be molestation, rejection, or abuse. Each person is different and should evaluate their own unique life experience. You can discover your “root” and how to close open doors here.
I was able to get free from the Spirit of Perversion through utilizing the “8 Prayer Watches” Method. I said the decrees during every watch at the appropriate times. I said them every day, until it became a habit, and eventually my heart and mind began to line up with my “Decrees”.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore, and His Word will not pass away (Hebrews 13:18, Mark 13:31 ). You can NOT be effective for the Kingdom of God in perversion. You can NOT claim the dual identity of a Fornicator, Whoremonger, Prostitute, Porn Addict, Adulterer, Homosexual, Molester, Rapist, AND the identity of a Child of God. You must choose. Choose this day whom you will serve (Joshua 24:14)
God is not mocked (Galatians 6:7) and knows who He REALLY created you to be. He also knows when you are making excuses and not relying on Him to keep you, grow you, and mold you into becoming more like Him and walking in your God-ordained Purpose for your life. Through your purpose you find contentment. ONLY in God, can you have peace, righteousness, and joy in this life. You can help find your purpose here.
You can endure and reach the reality that you have longed to live; a happier one where you are in good company with people who you truly love, and they accept you for who Christ really created you to be in return. It will happen to you; it will happen for you!